Full disclosure: I’m a sap. As much as I enjoy the Boyhoods and Whiplashes
of the movie world, I’m pretty content gazing at a screen filled with
gorgeous actors, stunning vistas, and sweeping, if predictable, love
stories. In other words, I enjoy a little Nicholas Sparks in my life.
The prolific romance author has published 17 novels in his career, a
stunning 10 of which have been turned into movies so far (with an 11th
coming next year). Of course, we all know the hallmark clichés of these
films, from handwritten letters and kisses in the rain to devastating,
tearjerking deaths.
While
the Sparksian film adaptations are undeniably formulaic, some
definitely work better than others. It’s with that in mind — and the
release of The Longest Ride in theaters this Friday — that I present our definitive ranking of all 10 Sparks films so far.
The Plot: High
school graduate Ronnie (Cyrus) has quite the chip on her shoulder as
she’s forced to spend the summer with her estranged father (Greg
Kinnear) in a Southern beach town. When she meets the handsome Will
(Hemsworth), she begins to open up, and she and her father begin to
reconnect through their shared love of music.
This
entry marked the only time Sparks was commissioned to write a
screenplay, and there’s a reason that hasn’t happened since. The story
attempts to keep all the necessary Sparks signatures, but the result is a
total mess. The conclusion feels completely tacked on, as if the
filmmakers got through the requisite funeral scene and realized they
hadn’t yet put Ronnie and Will back together. The film’s best storyline
is the one that happened off-camera between Cyrus and Hemsworth. We assure you that the ebb and flow of that failed relationship was far more exciting than this dreck.
